- Thoughts at Random
- March 22nd, 2007
I stood in the shower for an hour. Velvet Underground bleeding through the walls into my bathroom. Calling me back to a time when I had ambitions, dreams. The light humming of the ceiling fan in the next room makes me moan in annoyance. This is home. With its rattles and clangs, this is home.
The water drips from my body as I reach for a towel. The cat meows loudly at me, breaking my Zen state. I dry myself from head to toe. Talking to my companion the cat, she sits silently in front of me. No longer howling like a banshee.
The mirror seems to be calling me names today. I guess there are truths in what she says, but my reflection has no right to tell me. Not that anyone does. No one but me and I would never admit such flaws. Standing there naked I realize I am not the frail broken girl of my youth. Now I am a woman. I am no longer broken, just a bit cracked.
The cat hovers below my feet. What she wants, I am not sure. We are both alike in that way. Never knowing what we want, but always howling at the gods for it. She slinks off into the other room and I follow, pulling my robe tight. The music has stopped and the only evidence that it was on is the song stuck in my head. Humming I step out into the brightly lit living room, the warm sun beaming into me.
I close my eyes in this silence and wonder how I can keep it. This perfectly lit silence. I want to take a picture, but I know it won’t capture what I see. It won’t capture that feeling that warms me. Making my insides flutter about like butterflies in a jar waiting to get out. In this moment I feel as if I have been her before. With this tangled feeling that spreads through my body. Have I been here? Have I felt this feeling before?
Opening my eyes I decide it is time for more music. The silence is no longer comfortable. I wish I could make my own music, a perfect song for this mood. But I haven’t learned to play the guitar leaning against the book shelf. Not yet. I imagine one day I will write a song to describe this feeling. Till then I will just write down my thoughts at random.